The favorite self: a solution to executive dysfunction for ADHD business owners

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I think I found the solution to my executive dysfunction. And

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I don't want to guarantee that this is going to work for everyone, but I

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want to share it with you because I'm having so much fun playing with this

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new concept. Hi, I'm Katie McManus, business strategist and money

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mindset coach. And welcome to the Weeniecast.

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I'm finding it's really changing how I do life

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and how I enjoy life and how I actually get done from my to

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do list. And so far, it's been pretty magical. So

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here's what it is. We're nixing the whole best

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self lingo. It's done. We're no

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longer thinking about our best selves. If you're a personal

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development junkie like I am, I guarantee you

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have several books on your bookshelf, if not like dozens,

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that will refer to your best self or your

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higher self as the, like, guiding spirits that you

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should be following. And I don't know about you, but whenever

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I think of my best self, I don't feel

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good. Like, my best self doesn't inspire

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me. It makes me feel so much shame about not being good

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enough. So let me tell you about my best self.

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My best self went to Harvard. She got straight as

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all through elementary school, middle school, high school, has maybe like

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a business degree or something. She owns a home in

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Cambridge, Massachusetts, has a super hot husband

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who's just ripped like Ryan Gosling ripped. They have a

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perfectly trained dog, which. How boring. She works out every single day. She

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eats salads every lunch, and she's super regimented

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in how she runs her life, and she never, never

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procrastinates. My best self is completely unattainable to me.

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My best self has circumstances in her life that I'm way past.

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It's not like I'm going back to elementary school, middle school, and high school at

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this point to get straight a so I can get into Harvard. That's not how

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it works. And also, the way she does life has never been a way that

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I could do life. I can't eat salads every single day. I

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really like bread and sandwiches and

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cheese. And every time I've tried to live a

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consistent routine for too long, I get bored

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and it loses its zhuzh for me. Whereas

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one particular participant of the Brave biz lab calls said,

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the goose loses its juice. And by the way, if you've never been to Brave

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Biz Labs, it is a free group coaching call that I do every fourth Friday

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of the month. I open it up to my whole community. It's absolutely

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free. You can show up and ask any question that's happening in your business.

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No judgment. There's no such thing as a stupid question on Brave

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Bizlab. And it's literally anything that comes up for you that

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keeps you from doing what you want to do in your business. And if you'd

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like to join one of these calls, then please go to weeniecast.com,

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brave biz Labs,

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and of course, that link is in the show notes. But anyway, back to why

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we're nothing playing with the best self anymore when we're referring constantly

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to our best self. We're thinking of someone who doesn't exist.

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We're thinking of an idealized version of ourselves who's absolutely

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perfect in every single way. And we all know that perfect doesn't

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exist, right? That person does not exist.

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And so when we try to live our lives to a standard

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that is based on someone who doesn't exist, guess what happens?

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We fail. And we fail again. And we fail again and we fail

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again until it just becomes like this cesspool

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of shame that we're constantly letting run our lives. And I've been

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there and I've done that and I have many t shirts from it. And it's

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not worth it. Because when you're running your life from your quote

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unquote best self, the thing that drives you is the

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shoulds. We are the shoulds.

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I should be doing this. I should be doing that.

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I should be doing this every single morning. I should have this

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already. And that's not helpful, especially for those of

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us with ADHD. We've been shooted our whole life by

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everyone in school. It's, you should be able to sit still. Why can't

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you? You should be able to do your homework. Why can't you

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sit down and do it? You should be able to focus in our first

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few jobs, or maybe even right now, it's, oh, you should be able to meet

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deadlines, you know, you should be able to focus in meetings.

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You should be able to respond to all the emails in a timely manner, to

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which I say no, Sharon, if you want me to respond to your email, don't

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give me a scary subject line. At least put an emoji in it. Come

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on. Even in keeping up our houses, even

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in doing our everyday routines, you know, you should be eating healthier.

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You should be tidying as you go, you know, you should fold

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your laundry, which, no, no, I refuse.

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So the best self model, like well intentioned,

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actually doesn't do anything for us, it actually sets us

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back because it makes us feel like we're already behind. And when we feel

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like we're already behind, guess what? Nothing we do from there

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matters because we're already behind. We've already failed.

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Right? And what happens when the thing that you're doing every day doesn't matter?

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You don't get any dopamine from it. And when you don't get any dopamine from

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it, you're basically constantly in a dopamine deficit, which

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means your executive dysfunction is going to be that much worse.

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So instead of turning to our best

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self for inspiration, let's turn to something

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else. Let's turn to something better, something more enjoyable, something that we have

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far easier access to. And that is our

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favorite self.

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Your favorite self is so different from your best self.

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Your favorite self is the version of you that you

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are so excited to be in any

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moment of any day. I want you to think about your favorite self

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in friendship. You know, it really boils down to who do you want

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to be? Who do you want to show up? As for the people that you

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love? Your favorite self in romantic relationships, your

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favorite self at work, your favorite self with your pets, your

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favorite self with your bedtime routine. Your favorite

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self gets to show up to every aspect of your life and there's no

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prerequisite to becoming your favorite self in any given

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moment. Hell, I want you to imagine something simple like going to the grocery

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store. Who's your favorite version of yourself? Who goes to

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the grocery store? My favorite self who goes to the grocery store,

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has music on, is listening to music in her

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Airpods, is smiling at people, is really excited to see what

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produce is freshen. Takes her time to really think

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about what she wants to make for dinner and lunches for that week.

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You know, my favorite self picks out a treat for herself cause

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she deserves it. My favorite self loves making conversation

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with my cashier as they're checking out all my stuff. I love bagging

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for myself and there's like a bounce in my step when I'm being my

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favorite self at the grocery store. My not favorite self

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is the one that goes in distracted by something

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or frustrated with the bad drivers that I encountered

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on my way to the store. Which if you've ever been to Cape Cod in

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the summer, you understand it's miserable. My not favorite

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self gets frustrated when they're out of something that I really wanted

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instead of getting creative about how I can substitute for it and when I'm

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not being my favorite self, like without fail, I forget

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something. It's like I subconsciously know that I want a redo

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of how I was at the grocery store. And I'm not saying that favorite

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self doesn't forget stuff, but favorite self, like, figures out ways

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to work around it. I've been playing with this

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concept recently, and let me just give you an idea. Ooh, what am I gonna

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say next? Well, you'll have to keep listening to find out. But first, squirrel,

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squirrel, squirrel, squirrel.

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I've been playing with this concept recently, and let me just give you an idea

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of, like, how insane my life is right now. So I'm currently

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volunteering on two and a half different political campaigns,

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local to me, a state senator, and state rep, as well

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as our national senator. I'm running my business. I'm running the

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podcast. I'm starting a second business. I've just started

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a nonprofit, which I'm super excited to announce in a few weeks. Once everything's

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official, I am actively looking

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for a boring business to buy. I'm working on

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not one, not two, but three different books. I'm about

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to launch myself on a serious pr campaign

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for the nonprofit and for my work in

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ADHD. And of course, I'm trying to be a modern

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woman who has it all together. So I'm trying to meditate, and I'm trying to

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work out, and I'm trying to take my dog for a walk and train her

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and have fun with her and make sure that she feels loved because she's basically

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my child trying to spend time with loved ones. I'm trying to stay in touch

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with friends. All the things. Oh, and I'm trying to get eight

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to 9 hours of sleep every night. That is how insane my life is right

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now. And of course, like, under each one of those categories,

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there's a whole laundry list of that I have to do. And let me

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tell you, I have been in executive dysfunction on so

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much stuff for the last few months, and it wasn't

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until I started shifting into my favorite self that I actually started

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getting things done. When

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we look at our to do list and we think of prioritizing it from a

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should place again, it is shame based.

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We should be doing this, and if we don't do it, we're a failure.

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You know that either or is given to us a lot growing up as

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ADHD folks. And it's no wonder we talk to ourselves

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in that way. It's no wonder we should the crap out of

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ourselves. But when you look at your to do list from a point

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of what would I enjoy doing in this moment. It completely

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changes. You know, I started introducing this concept to my clients, and it

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was interesting. A few different clients have come up with this, but one in

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particular answered, okay, what? My favorite self only wants me to do jiu

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jitsu and like, eat this snack that I love, to which I

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asked, okay, cool, like, could you do jiu jitsu for 7 hours a day?

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And he said, absolutely not. I would die, you know? Cause that's a

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pretty intense workout. And could you eat that snack all day

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long without stopping? I said, no, no, no. Like, my stomach would explode.

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It would not be good. But I loved that he brought this up. I loved

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that his first instinct was, no. The favorite self can't

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be trusted because the favorite self wants me to do stuff that is not

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productive, quote unquote productive. But I actually think that the favorite

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self is the most trustworthy version of ourselves that we have. Our

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favorite self. And I'll use this client as an example.

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His favorite self wants him to get exercise before he starts work. His

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favorite self wants him to be well fed

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before he starts something. Right. Once he goes to

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a jiu jitsu class and goes and has one of these snacks, what

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will his favorite self want to do next? This individual that I'm thinking

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of, you know, his favorite self got him to sign up for BYOB, my build

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your own business group program.

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His favorite self knows the work that he wants to do,

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knows that he doesn't want to stay in his job, knows that

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he can have a major impact on his clients lives

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if he just stops being a weenie and goes

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for it, which, this person is really, really brave and

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they're doing an incredible job. They've already signed, I think, two high paying

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clients in their second month of BYOB.

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You know, we have this innate distrust of our favorite self, thinking

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that our favorite self only wants us to go and do, like, the quote unquote

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fun things. But like, yeah, of course our

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favorite self wants us to go and do the fun things. You know, the fun

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things are things that give us dopamine. There are

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things that make life that much more enjoyable. You know, I don't know about

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you, but when I do something really enjoyable and fun in the

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morning, like maybe go and have breakfast with

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girlfriends or take a really fun exercise class,

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or I, like, have a really, really sweet, like, play session

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with my puppy, I bounce into my day.

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I have, like, this really, really buoyant energy that

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carries me through every task I have to do that day

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versus me being my best self, where I feel like I've

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shouldered myself all morning and still not met the

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standard. I start my day feeling behind. I

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start my day feeling less. We don't trust our favorite self

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because growing up, our world told us

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that this isn't all fun and games, that life

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has to be serious, that we have to get stuff done, that we have to

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sit down and focus, that we have to be quiet, especially if you

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were disruptive in the classroom like I was. I was a big

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talker. It's one of the reasons why the more work I do

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on ADHD and the more clients I work with and

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the more stories I hear from clients about their childhoods,

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the more I believe there has to be a different educational structure

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for ADHD people growing up that's more

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supportive of how our brains work, how our chemistry works,

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because how the educational system is set up right now gets us

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completely out of touch with our favorite self. It sows

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distrust between us and our favorite self.

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It teaches us that our favorite self is this irresponsible,

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flippant, awful, kind of, like, lazy

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person who shouldn't be allowed to drive the bus. But

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actually, when we let our favorite self drive our bus,

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our favorite self knows exactly how we need to

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do what we need to do. You know, in prepping for

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this episode, I was talking with my producer, Neil, and we

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were talking about, can I out you? Of course. And we were talking about our

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favorite selves and, like, the things that they want us to investigate. And he was

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talking about how he just went down this rabbit hole on ghost hunting

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and how, like, he had. He just spent hours

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researching different methodologies and different haunted dwellings and all this

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stuff, and he was so interested. And as we were talking through the favorite self

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paradigm, he was saying, you know, if I had been given this lens

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to study history, I would have aced every single history

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test. And how true is that? Think about it. Like,

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how. Like, what is the thing that interests you most? And

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how could it have been applied to help you learn something

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better?

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Like, I'm convinced that if they had related math to either

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money or knitting, I would have picked up math

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way quicker. I would have had less struggles. I would

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have found ways to learn that not

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only gave me a deeper understanding of the

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concepts, but also useful for the hobbies that I was

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really curious about, you know, making money and knitting. The

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cool thing about shifting into your favorite self is it can happen at any

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moment. There was a moment this

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week where I was looking at my miles long to do list with all

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these massive projects that I'm currently working on. And as you can

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imagine, I got super overwhelmed, and I couldn't prioritize, and

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I felt myself kind of shrinking back and thinking about all

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the shoulds. We are the shoulds.

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Like, I should be working on this, and I should be working on this. And

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they're all competing. They all seem important and urgent. And I stopped myself, and I

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was like, okay, cool. Like, let's touch base with my favorite self. What does my

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favorite self think? We need to spend some time on the. And my

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favorite self stopped me in my tracks and was like,

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and not just your desk. Like,

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that has made the room cluttered. And go

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and spend ten minutes just putting stuff in a garbage bag. Just

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get it out of here. You don't have to clean, but just get the clutter

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out. And so I did that, and it took about five minutes. And then I

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noticed, oh, there's a lot of mugs up here. There's a lot of mugs

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and cups up here in my office because they tend to just collect. You

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know, I don't know if you have this experience, like, your flavor of

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ADHD. It's like, once you're done with something, it ceases to

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exist to you. So, like, once I finish drinking

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coffee out of this mug, the mug will just not exist.

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Like, it doesn't need to be taken back to the kitchen to be put in

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the dishwasher because it no longer is there. It, in my

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mind, its usefulness to me in this moment is

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done. So why would I? It's one of the reasons I think also we

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are really bad at, like, closing drawers and cupboards

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because we've gotten the plate out of the cupboard. Like, what do we need to

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do with the cupboard then? You know, we got the socks out of the drawer.

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That was it. Like, there's no next step. You just needed

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socks. Like, the drawer being open and needing to close, not a thing.

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My favorite self, you know, had me gather up all the mugs and all

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the cups and take them down to the kitchen. And I realized, oh, the dishwasher

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is full of clean stuff. Put those things away. I loaded up the dishwasher with

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some things, gave the dogs a treat, and then came back. My favorite

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self knew exactly what I wanted to work on first. And it was

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the thing that was most urgent,

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that had the highest priority, that had the most important,

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and I was able to start without that shame looming

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over me, without that should. Without that expectation of how it should have

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gone. And since I've shifted into this favorite self

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way of doing life. I

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have not struggled with executive dysfunction. The only

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reason I have not gotten things done since shifting into favorite self is

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because I just kind of run out of time. You know, I'm realizing just how

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unrealistic I am in assigning work to myself. And as I spend

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more time with my favorite self, I realize how much of

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her I already am. And as I realize how much of my

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favorite self I already am, my confidence levels grow.

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I stop questioning myself at every

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front about, oh, well, should I do this? And should I do that? I know.

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I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do.

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I know who I want to be in every moment.

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And it's not based on who I need to mirror

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to pass as normal, to pass as neurotypical. You

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know, something that those of us with ADHD, especially

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those of you who are diagnosed late, I was lucky enough, I was very lucky

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to be diagnosed early on in my life. Something that we

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are raised to do for our own well being, for our own

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safety. But when we're mirroring everyone else

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person we're not being is ourselves. And when we spend that much

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time not being ourselves, it's really hard to be confident in who we are.

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It's really hard to be confident in what it is that we want to do.

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And I think that's one of the reasons why it takes people so long sometimes

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to realize that they want to start a business because they spend so

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little time actually being themselves and

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thinking about what they want, that it can take years, if not

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decades for that deep want of starting a business, running

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a business, having real impact on the world, and having the freedom and

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flexibility that comes with it. It takes so long for that

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message to come through and for it to come through strong enough for them

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to actually get started. So I'd love to

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hear from you, my listeners, who is your favorite self

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and my favorite self right now reminds me that I'd be remiss if I didn't.

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Thank you. This is

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our 100th episode of the Weenie cast. This

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is the 100th time, if you've been with us from the very

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beginning that we've talked through, how you

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can run life better with your adhd while still

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pursuing your dreams. And I

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am honored every time I talk with my producer and hear how

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many people are listening to the podcast, every time I get a message from

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one of you about a tip that you got

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that helped you be better in your work or something that you

Speaker: 00:20:30

learned about yourself or just the fact that listening to this

Speaker: 00:20:34

podcast made you feel understood and seen. Thank

Speaker: 00:20:37

you for listening. If you're ready to stop being a

Speaker: 00:20:41

weenie and actually run a business that makes money, then go ahead and book

Speaker: 00:20:45

a generate income strategy call with me by going to

Speaker: 00:20:49

weeniecast.com strategycallen.

Speaker: 00:20:53

On this call we will talk about your goals, your dreams, and your

Speaker: 00:20:56

frustrations in getting there. And if it's a fit for both of us,

Speaker: 00:21:00

then we can talk about different ways to work together.

Speaker: 00:21:06

It teaches us that our favorite self is this irresponsible,

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flippant, awful, kind of like lazy person

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who shouldn't be allowed to drive the boat or who

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shouldn't be allowed to drive the bus. I feel like buses are more utilitarian when

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it comes to life. Like, who spends life going around by boat unless you live

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in a place like Venice. Personally, if I had to run my life by boat,

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I would get really, really tired of it really fast. Cause like,

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okay, so think about it. You get into your car or you get into a

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bus and you drop your keys. They land on the ground, you can pick them

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up. You get into a boat and you drop your keys. You're going

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for a swim and maybe you're not even getting them back.

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Maybe it's too deep. It's very inconvenient. I

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don't know why I brought boats up.

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Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel.